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Letter of Reference by Peer(ers)
To Whom It Mayeth Concerneth
I would like to (recommend) (dump off on you) (kill) my most (esteemed) (idiotic) colleague, the (un)forgettable ____________________ .
In the practice of Hospital Medicine, (He) (She) (It) is (a god walking among us) (pretty darn good, what I would hope for in a colleague) (barely manages to survive, and so do his patients) (doesn’t kill too many people) (makes Attila the Hun seem like Mother Teresa).
In day-to-day practice, he – she – it (blazes like lightning in the sky from patient to patient to ER and back again, and is finished with rounds at 930am sharp) (works hard and spends about the right amount of time with each patient during rounds) (floats through rounds like a dandelion spore on LSD, but everyone is just so happeee when finally done at 9:30pm! Wheee!) (careens from room to room like a drunk mountain goat, cowing and sometimes curing patients unlucky enough to escape his wrath, orders, and procedures-by-machete).
His - her – the lazy slob’s - documentation and orders are (marvels of succinct completeness. Textbooks and talk shows are done on how to recreate these masterpieces yourself!) (are complete, not too wordy, and nurses like their clarity) (notes and orders are f-ing longer than Tolstoy and about as useful) (what documentation? Doesn’t believe in it! Can’t sue what isn’t documented! Orders? All verbal! What are those lazy nurses for anyway?!).
As for procedures, he- she – the cowboy – (is the best I have ever seen. Fast, clean, no complications or failed attempts, ever. Other lecturers line up to watch The Master At Work) (is pretty average, does more of some things, less of others, as most hospitalists do) (What shall we do with the drunken sailor early in the morning?!).
Regarding patient satisfaction metrics, he-she-that #$%) (is the rock of patient satisfaction that we all flock to for inspiration and meaning in our practice of medicine) (is a pretty nice, pretty clear doctor that patients like to have take care of them) (well, you see, it’s like this, you have a perambulatory disambiguation occurrence with an n of thus and incidence likewise, so therefore it follows exsanguinously that one might expect a reduction in the aftermath of the etiologic indices, you see?) (patients hide under their bed in fear, and so do the nurses). ( We are all getting pay cuts and looking for new jobs because of this jerk).
As far as personal reliability and teamwork go, He-She- who are you talking about again? Is (a wonderful colleague. In fact we will pay you to STOP trying to hire them, PLEASE, because our lives are not complete when they so much as leave town) (is a good colleague, and will be a fine reliable member of any team they work on) (doesn’t know what a clock is, but always shows up sometime that morning or evening as expected, and pitches in to cover colleagues) (is a hung-over dirtbag who can’t be bothered to work after payday, and the only evidence of a clock in their life is their ability to call-in 5 minutes before their shift with yet another sh*tscuse to not work) (I don’t even remember what they look like they are gone so much. Please take them and get them out of our schedule!) (Such an antisocial jerk that I will just shoot myself now instead of hoping you are stupid enough to hire them).
So in Summary, I would like to say, that Dr. ______________ (is a phenomenal Hospitalist, so much so that I can never hope to do more than humbly walk in their shadow and hope some of their goodness rubs off on me) (is an excellent hospitalist, and would be a great addition anywhere, as they are here) (is a well-meaning, even competent, but ultimately failed physician who will never be able to match my peerless abilities. Why don’t you hire me instead?) (is a bumbling idiot very nice physician whom we would love to get rid of would recommend to any hospital outside of our own system) (should be in jail, or at best on an ankle bracelet program picking up trash along the roadside while being defecated on by ducks with Giardia).
Sincerely (Good Riddance)
___________________________
Esteemed collegious colleague
